“Spectator”

I’ve seen every expression cross your face.
Apathy, sympathy, jealousy,
Seen your lip curl in derision
Seen your eyes swell with fear.

I’ve seen tears form and brim and fall
And keep on falling,
Torrents
Mascara-muddy cataracts
Carving their path down your pallid skin,
Seen your breath come thin and fast
Choking and wet and shallow
Hard to watch,
Impossible to look away.

I’ve seen cuts and bruises,
Stories written on your face in brightly-coloured ink
By a forceful and unhesitating hand
In heavy and unpractised strokes,
Souvenirs like face paint that won’t wash off for weeks:
The green woman sitting at an unfamiliar desk
On the first of May
Bleary-eyed,
Sleep-deprived,
Wracking her brain for the answers.

I’ve seen you
Undress me with your eyes
Bite your lip
Mouth curling in approval
Whispering gorgeous, dehumanising words
Lust and disgust intertwining
Indistinguishable
Making me shiver
Making me wince.

I’ve seen you love me
And I’ve seen you hate me.
And I’ve loved you and hated you in return.
I know everything about you
And nothing.
You’ve been there my whole life
And you are still a stranger.

You never answer me.
You just watch.

02/10/14
© 2014 Bonnie Calderwood Aspinwall