love

✊

When they tell you it is pointless
Show them the point-
Impale them with it-
Sharpen it on their bones.

When they tell you it is mindless
Show them your mind
Scream it in their face
Write it in bold
In CAPS LOCK.

When they tell you it is heartless
Show them your heart
Bleeding from their wounds
Reach inside yourself and pluck it out,
Shove it, still beating, down their throats
Let your heart be a weapon
Let them choke on your love.

When they tell you it is shameless
Tell them they are right.

Bonnie Calderwood Aspinwall © 8th April 2019

Love/Need

“I told you I loved you in every language I knew
But if you didn’t hear it from the heat between my legs
You didn’t hear it at all.”

19/07/2017
© Bonnie Calderwood Aspinwall 2017

“Subjunctive”

I wish I’d known
That you’d been hurt before
That your cold-shoulder act was just a shield
To hide the battle-scars you wore.
Like someone angrily clutching the hems of long sleeves down
Over mementos of self-mutilation,
Tattoos to remind you of things you’d rather forget.

You burned with the kind of fierce pride
That in another tongue would be called shame
For secrets that you want to scream aloud
And wish out of existence
All at once
Because you believe,
Deep down,
Those scars were self inflicted.

I wish I’d known
That you’d been made to feel like
An accessory
A statement piece
This week’s shade of black
Or the front of a Hallmark branded personal attack
A bite back.
A hammer used to break a last-ditch
Metaphor for childhood’s lack
Of autonomy.

That you had been a poem
Taken out of context
Twisted to fit a misshapen ideology
Coloured in with someone else’s dogma.

That someone took the hazel of your eyes
And branded them
“Chocolate”
Or
“Coffee”
Or
“Everything you’ve ever dreamed of for one night only”
And you were swallowed quickly like a pill
Nobody wants to risk tasting.

I wish I’d known
That you’d played Rosaline
Too many times.
That your heart was used to going
Hand-in-hand with hurt.
That you didn’t need to hear them spoken
To feel the bitter lash
Of empty promises.

Actions speak louder than words.

Darling, I wish I’d known
That you’d looked up at the Empire State Building
And felt the nauseous, headache throb
Of inadequacy.

I wish I’d known so that I could have told you
That the ocean does not need to envy the pinnacles of land.

You held me like the night and kept me warm
And in return I could have told you that
That you taste like water in the desert.
You feel like summer on cold skin.
Like a reprieve
Like forgiveness
Like the first full sentence spoken in a new language.

Darling, you can walk with your hands in your pockets
Or your hands in mine
So long as you don’t walk with your hands up,
Eyes cast down,
Ready to feel the chains around your wrists
That others’ thoughtless cruelty has trained you to expect.

I wish I’d known
That you were scared
Because I could have told you that you gave me butterflies.

22/09/14
© 2014 Bonnie Calderwood Aspinwall

“Blanket” (21/30) – NaPoWriMo 2014

Soft and grey and full of you,
It keeps me warm
It holds me close
When you can’t.
This blanket where you said you’d hide
Instead of leaving.
A tiny part of me believes you.
So I wrap myself in it
And imagine your arms.
You gave me
Blanket baggage.

22/04/2014
© Bonnie Calderwood Aspinwall 2014

“Empty night” (15/30) – NaPoWriMo 2014

I can’t sleep
I know you’re on your way
But I feel so stationary
I can’t wait

I want to be moving
Towards you

Tomorrow is so near
But still so far.

17/04/2014
© 2014 Bonnie Calderwood Aspinwall

“Discovery” (9/30) – NaPoWriMo 2014

It’s why people go to space.
It’s why people break records.
It’s the thrill scientists seek out.
To see something that nobody has ever seen before.

I understand their wish,
Their desire
For the unknown.
For the unseen.
For the unique.

I’m not a scientist.
I will never go to space.
I will never dive into an ocean trench.
I will never go the furthest.

But I found what they are searching for
Looking up at you
Surprised
When you first told me you loved me
Shock written on your face
At the words that had come out of your mouth
Unforeseen
Unexpected
Unbidden.

I have felt that moment of discovery
That moment of unlocking a treasure
Never before seen by the eyes of man.

I found it in you.
And I was the first
And I am the only one
Who will see
Your face
Your heart
In that moment.

10/04/14
© 2014 Bonnie Calderwood Aspinwall

“Show me yours” (8/30) – NaPoWriMo 2014

Tell me about yourself.
Tell me your best childhood memory.
Tell me your worst.
Tell me when you first fell in love.
Where you had your first kiss.
Where you had your first good kiss.
Tell me if you can still taste that kiss on your lips when you lie awake at night.

Tell me when you first knew what heartbreak feels like.
Tell me when was the last time you felt it.
And if you believe that now you’ve felt it once you can still feel it
Just a tiny little bit
All the time.

Tell me about your favourite tree to climb.
And how old you were when you realised climbing trees wasn’t cool.
And how old you were when you realised that you were wrong
And that climbing trees was the coolest thing that has ever happened
And that damned if you’d ever grow up.

I still climb trees.
I still feel heartbreak.
And I can still taste her kiss on my lips
Just like the first time.

09/04/14
© 2014 Bonnie Calderwood Aspinwall